My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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