That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I love having hate sex.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
