If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
