i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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