Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Pooping to opera.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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