You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize