everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
