you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize