Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
