I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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