I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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