i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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