Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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