drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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