That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's blow job season.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
