Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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