i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
where are you?
Hypothermia
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
