he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
