On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
