dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
