In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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