i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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