Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
