I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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