There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
