Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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