Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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