I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
