When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
