WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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