I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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