she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
