just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
