i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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