That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
