you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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