And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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