if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
