He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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