my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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