Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
