So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
