its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
