Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
