I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
