You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
