I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
