just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I forgot how hot balto sounded
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
