Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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