I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize