you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
