His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You are a genius and a whore.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize