You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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