ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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