I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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