and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
organizing the empties. That sober.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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