i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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