Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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