I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
